Change is inevitable, change is hard and change is good.   Bruno’s absence brought change and a lot of it.  I packed up his Kong’s, collars and leashes, gave away his food and cookies, and cleared the counters of supplements and pills.  The first few weeks were emotionally hard as I updated friends and acquaintances on Bruno’s passing. 

By letting Bruno move on it was time for me to move forward as well.  Physical ailments that I had been suffering from decreased in severity and I realized how much lighter and clearer I felt mentally.   Bruno’s battle with Degenerative Myelopathy had not only affected him, but mentally and physically it had consumed me as well.      

Within a month of Bruno’s passing I made numerous lifestyle changes.  The circumstances and timing were opportunistic and as things fell into place, moving on just felt “right”.  Old doors were not closing, new doors were opening.             

It has been over a year that I have been without my beloved Bruno.  I still miss him but my heart no longer hurts.  I am grateful for the journey we shared together and thankful for the antics, protection, laughter, joy, comfort, knowledge and unconditional love he gave me.      

Wednesday afternoon, September 22, 2010, I made phone contact with Pet Psychic Karen Anderson for an appointment I had booked the previous Friday.

Karen asked if we were going to be checking in on my boy today which I confirmed.  Karen then stated that from my appointment notes it looks as though he is suffering mostly from old age.  I told Karen that when I made the appointment Bruno was with us but that I put him down the following day.  Karen gave me a heartfelt condolences and I stated, “I think he has been ready.”  Karen confirmed I was 100% correct, Bruno had been ready. 

Karen shared she recently had to put down a pet of 13 years and completely understood how hard it is to end your pet’s existence and one of the worst decisions in the world to make.  I told her the decision had been easier than I thought it would be when I finally admitted to myself Bruno was in a lot more pain than he was letting onto and he was struggling and merely existing instead of living.  I relayed to Karen that on Friday September 17, 2010 I did not get out of bed expecting the chain of events that occurred over the next day and a half.  I told Karen that after I had booked the appointment with her I realized nothing was going to improve for Bruno between Friday and today and his existence, at this point, was more for me than for him.  I took Bruno into the vet the following day (Saturday September 18, 2010) to be euthanized and let him go.  I voiced I did not feel the appointment went exactly smooth but it had been comforting for me.  Karen stated the entire process is way harder on us (humans) than for them (pets).

For the session Karen asked if I wanted to check in with Bruno to see how he was doing and what messages he had.  I told Karen I had originally made the appointment out of desperation, I even thought about cancelling but decided not to.  The message I wanted to send to Bruno was if I had waited too long to let him go, I wanted to apologize to him and let him know that I am okay.

With that, Karen started the session.

Immediately Karen stated that a human energy was coming through along with Bruno’s energy and Karen asked me if I was open to their messages as well.  I stated I was.  Karen focused on Bruno’s energy first and stated that she had love, love, love coming through, both the word love and the feeling of love.  Karen said she also had a light feeling, a light hearted feeling, a very causal feeling, a very comfortable easy feeling coming through from him. 

He just kind of saunters in and plops down, not making a big fuss about anything in particular; just kind of working his way into my space and letting me know he is here.  He brings with him an older female energy.   When I say older I mean older than you.  It could be a mother or grandmother energy.  It is usually someone in your close family circle and I’ll get to her energy in a minute.  I just want Bruno to go ahead and share. 

He is saying that he did not want to go into a critical situation and that it worked out just fine for him.  He said that he would rather it go peacefully than to endure anymore trauma.  He is saying that he understands everything that happened; his heart will always be with you and his family.  He says that worries and troubles are all gone and he wants me to thank you for that.  He is telling me it feels like he can actually move again and breathe again.  He is saying that he feels so lucky and so grateful to have been able to spend this time with you. 

He says he was greeted by this older female energy.  Karen than said she was going to describe her to me and asked me to confirm if I recognized who this is.  I am seeing somebody come through and she has a very big smile on her face.  It looks like she has either a flowered dress or a top with flowers on it but it is very brightly colored and it looks like she has round cheeks.  She could not smile any bigger, that is how big her smile is and she wants me to talk about the S name as in Steve, Sam or Sarah . . . I need to talk about the S name.  Karen asked me if this sounded like somebody I recognized.  I told her it did not.  Karen said that she had the feeling that this was a motherly or grandmotherly kind of feeling coming through.  She is very bouncy, very upbeat.  She is all smiles with lots of happy energy around her and this is not a shy quiet person coming through.  She is literally like a burst of sunshine when she comes into my space. 

She is telling me she was there to greet him and that she welcomed him into the family group or family collective souls, so to speak.  She is also talking about some kind of tile work that has been done or is being done with you or with somebody connected to you.  I confirmed that my parents have tile in their kitchen that is torn up and waiting to be replaced.  Karen said she basically needed to comment on that, she is (the female energy) seeing that going on.  Bruno knows your mom and dad too right?  Yes, I confirmed.  Okay, because he is saying that they are very loving towards him and he is very loving towards them.  Yes, I confirmed again.  I need to send a shout out to your mom and dad from Bruno. 

Is there a Steve?  Dumbfounded, I relayed I had an older cousin named Steven who had passed about ten years ago.  Okay, because he keeps whispering it in my ear tell her Steve, tell her Steve.  So I have Steve here as well.  Karen explained that even if we were not close to somebody or knew them physically in our life they would be here for us and take care of our animals when they transition.  Karen commented that it’s amazing how connected we all are and how the family group, family unit stays together. 

Bruno is also telling me it is like he left his body even before the injection.   He says he was so ready to go that he was excitedly leaving his body before it was even time for him to go.  Karen stated that he must have gone very, very quickly.  I thought he did but it did not exactly go smoothly.  Karen than said the view from my perspective can very different than his perspective.  If they have poor circulation at the time of injection, the body can retaliate but he is making me feel that he was so ready to go.  I responded that was what I felt on Friday after I had made the appointment with her and as the day dragged on I felt that there was no point in prolonging the inevitable.  Karen agreed there is no point, it becomes about us being selfish and not wanting to do ultimately what we have to do.

Karen said that Bruno was telling her he had a very deep and constant burning inside. “I am seeing literally bottles of pills and he says that they were barely working anymore.”  He said he felt like the pain was everywhere.  I asked him where he was hurting and he is telling me everywhere.  He felt like he could barely maneuver around and he had very limited mobility.  He says, “I was old and feeble and hardly but a shell of who I used to be.”  I commented, “he is right.”  He says that my time has come to leave and I will continue my journey; now I can do this with feeling good and not having any of this heaviness surrounding me.  He said literally his entire system was failing him.  I feel like someone going through the house and shutting all the lights off, that is how I feel in his body. Things were just failing on him to the point where obviously he could not go on anymore. 

He says something about not being able to relax.  Is that what was going on?  I responded yes, lately it was like he could not get comfortable and it was hard for him to get up and move.  He would come to me and want my attention and I just felt like there was nothing I could do for him.  He keeps saying to me not being able to relax and there is just a feeling of not being able to get rest, that is what he is sending me and it does not feel very good to be that way.  I inserted that he was restless but he could not pace, and he was uncomfortable and I could sense that. 

Karen said that his energy was in the recovery stage meaning he is getting all the attention he needs.  He is getting all the re-energizing that his body was drained from; it is all coming back to him now.  “I have all of this attention and everyone around me taking good care of me.”  He says that there is someone with him (Karen starts to laugh a bit) and I do not know if this is the same female energy that I described to you before but he says that there is someone with him that is very glamorous and that is his word.  (I begin to laugh at this point)  He says she is very glamorous and I am getting the imagery of a Hollywood kind of celebrity or movie star.  It looks like someone from the black and white era of pictures so this is somebody from long past but he is using the word glamorous.  I asked Karen if he was happy with that.  Karen laughed and said, “oh yeah.”  I commented that he thinks very highly of himself so I am sure he would think that is a good match.  Karen again laughed and commented that being around someone glamorous is a good match for him. 

I have absolutely no complaints or no regrets from him what-so-ever.  He actually apologizes for you having to plan your life and work schedule around him, and having to put him first all the time.  “I need to go take care of him,” – that sort of thing.   

No complaints at all about the timing or the transition or anything.  Karen stated that I had made the right decision.  I followed my gut, I followed my instincts and I did everything right.   Karen commented that Bruno supports my decision and then said that if I could see him he looks like this big spoiled boy sitting there and he is basking in it.  He is truly, truly a happy boy coming through right now.

We began to end the session and Karen told me to hold the thought in my mind of how much I love this handsome boy.  How there will never ever be another one like him nor do we want there to be anybody that can hold a candle to him.  Karen thanked Bruno for coming through and the other energies, Steven and the female energy that came through came as well.

Karen’s final comments were that there is no better message from departed loved ones than they are doing great, they are adjusting and they are happy.  Karen reminded me that I sent Bruno off to be free and that the bond of love will always be there, that we will always be connected, and he will always be a part of my life.  Karen’s session brought tears, laughter, comfort, wonderment and closure for me. 

Bruno had been ready to move on and was doing just fine.  I was comforted that family was waiting for him when he transitioned and it even appeared that he had already found himself a new glamorous sidekick.  The “glamorous” reference makes me laugh.  I happen to be nowhere near glamorous in appearance or lifestyle and that word is not even in my vocabulary.  So, “glamorous” came out of the clear blue but I can certainly see Bruno digging someone with clout who would appreciate his beauty.

Immediately after the session ended I knew the female energy that first appeared was my cousin Diane who had passed almost 20 years ago.  The male energy Steven, is Diane’s younger brother.  The two of them being together makes sense and is an easy connection for me to make.  My older sister listened to the recorded session and instantly agreed that the female energy was Cousin Diane.  My sister also confirmed that Karen’s description of Diane was fitting.  I shared the session with my parents and to my surprise, my mother understood the reference to the brightly flowered dress.  When Diane was a young teenager my mother let her pick out bright flowered material and helped her sew a dress out of it.  This occurred long before my sister and I arrived into the family and was the first time I had heard this story.

I should have made the connection to Diane during the session but I was so focused on Bruno that the other “energies” caught me off guard and I was unable to process while in the moment.  In hindsight, I am very grateful to all of the energies who came through during my session.  It is nice to know our loved ones are together, looking after our cherished pets and still keeping a watchful eye on the rest of us.    

My beloved friend and companion transitioned into a pain free existence on September 18, 2010.

Bruno and I arrived at the vet’s office for our 12:30 appointment early.  I left him in the vehicle and went inside to check in.  We were the last scheduled appointment for the day but the vet was running behind.  I decided to leave Bruno in the vehicle.  I would not bring him inside until the vet was ready for us.  My emotions were running high and I was fairly certain that “waiting” with the big guy at my side would more than likely produce a melt down on my end.  I did not want Bruno to be anxious or frightened so I needed to do what I had to in order to keep myself together.

One of the vet technicians that assisted with Bruno since our first visit came out to the waiting area and stood next to me.  We stood at the window looking out at Bruno.  She was visually upset and asked me if he could walk under his own power.  I stated that he could.  She then asked me, “is he really that bad?”  Fighting back tears I simply replied “he’s ready.”

If I thought the wait at home was bad, it was a million times worse at the vet.  I fidgeted and paced around until it was finally time to bring Bruno inside.  Once inside we got right down to business.

An old mattress pad was on the floor for Bruno to lie on and we all settled in around him.  Bruno’s head rested in my lap and I told my big guy that this was the last of the poking, prodding, treatments and procedures.  The vet inserted the needle into his front leg and he inadvertently jerked causing the needle to dislodge.   A low groan escaped from me.

Enough juice had entered Bruno’s system to sedate him.  I felt him completely relax in my lap and he then began to snore.  This made all of us giggle a bit and eased the tension in the room.  The vet was able to easily reinsert the needle and finish the injection.

It was over.  I was left alone with Bruno but I did not linger long.  A few strokes and a final kiss goodbye.  I did not look back as I left Bruno and shut the door behind me.

I returned home and hung the leash and the collar in their allotted places.  Over the next 24 hours I made a few phone calls, sent a few emails and cried.  My heart was heavy with loss but at the same time a weight had been lifted as I knew Bruno was now pain free.  The journey and connection Bruno and I shared was over.

Gone But Never Forgotten

Bruno’s final appointment to the vet was set for the following day, Saturday September 18, 2010.

In less than twenty-four hours my best friend of thirteen plus years would be physically gone from my life but also be pain free.  I kept our afternoon and evening consistent with our regular routine and stayed positive.

The following morning Bruno’s breakfast consisted of steak, scrambled eggs and doggy cookies.  Our morning routine was completed around 8:00 a.m. and now the wait began.  We hung out and the next four hours passed slowly.  There was nothing to really do but wait and this was excruciating for me.  I was ready to do this and get it over.

Noon finally arrived and I began to get things prepped to depart.  I could wait no longer.  Bruno was excited (as always) to be “going” and I loaded him into my vehicle for his final car ride.

It was time for me to let my beloved Bruno move on with his pride and his dignity intact.  Time momentarily stood still as Bruno and I sat across from each other on the floor.  I felt both a mixture of sadness and relief that the end was here.

With a heavy heart and a lump in my throat I began to envision my days without my Bruno.  Daily routines, habits, and quirks we shared, understood and relied on would be no more.  I began to doubt myself and my decision.  I wanted validation that I was doing the right thing.  I went to my computer to book an appointment with Animal Communicator Karen Anderson.  The earliest appointment was not until Wednesday September 22, 2010.  Disappointed with the time frame I booked the appointment anyway.

I returned to my spot on the floor across from Bruno and began to play things out in my mind.  Today was Friday, appointment with Karen on Wednesday, call the vet on Thursday and put Bruno out of his suffering next Friday or Saturday.

We sat in comfortable silence as I slowly realized and accepted I was just delaying the inevitable. I did not need confirmation from Karen or anybody else that Bruno was ready to move on because in my heart and in my gut I already knew.  Would I ever be emotionally ready to let Bruno go?  “No.”  It was time to suck it up and do the right thing.

I made Bruno’s last phone call to our vet and booked an appointment for the following day.

How do you know when it is time to let your best friend, partner and companion go? Going through the process to make this decision for an old or sick pet is horrible. This decision was something I had dreaded and feared I would not be able to do.

The decision boils down to a simple question with a painful honest assessment and answer: Am I keeping my pet alive for myself or for him? Here is how my decision played out on Friday September 17, 2010.

I had the day off from work and my plans for the day consisted of odds and ends around the house and hanging out with Bruno. Our morning had been low key and fairly routine with breakfast, meds, and some fresh outdoor air on a beautiful sunny California day.

Around noontime Bruno and I had comfortably settled into our favorite spots to relax. Bruno was lying down across from me and I could sense his gaze upon me. Over the next few minutes Bruno’s gaze never left me and I began to get a sense of urgency. I realized I needed to be paying attention. I discarded what I was doing and I sat down on the floor across from Bruno. I locked eyes with him and instantly I knew. It was time. He was tired and he was ready to move on.

Tears silently rolled down my face as I realized the moment I had dreaded was here. I told Bruno how much I loved him and that I understood it was time to let him go.

Four doses of pain medication have been administered to Bruno and the results are undetermined.  By now the medication is definitely in Bruno’s system but I do not see any visible effects.  Over the past two days Bruno’s routine and habits have not varied.  Bruno is not sluggish, not sleeping any more than usual and does not act like he is “doped” up.

My gut instinct is that the half dose of medication is not making a dent in Bruno’s pain management.  I easily make the decision to give my boy an entire pill for his next round.

I will keep a watchful eye on him and see how it goes.  Stay tuned.

Tuesday September 14, 2010 my girl Shawn checked in with me to see how Bruno and I were doing since our Raindrop Session on Sunday.  I admitted, on Monday I had a bit of a sore throat and a twinge of a headache.  Shawn confessed that she and Gayleen had also physically felt the effects from Sunday’s session and confirmed that Bruno’s session had been very, very intense for all involved.

Shawn commented that after Sunday’s session she realized the physical pain issues that I have been battling are on the same side as Bruno’s.  Bruno and I are so connected that we are transferring pain between us.  (This was not the first time this theory had been brought up to me.)  Shawn suggested that when the time came for me to let Bruno go, hopefully my own pain issues would resolve.

I told Shawn about my decision to stop all treatments and supplements and the second dose of pain medication had been administered earlier that morning after breakfast.  I described how I had come home Monday evening with pain medication and feeling defeated only to find Bruno in rare form.  He had briefly returned to his old mischievous, demanding self while I was transformed into a complete mess.

Shawn’s take on Monday’s events were that Bruno was trying to help me through the pain of letting him go, that he is okay with what is next to come and that I will be okay without him.

Tuesday turned out to be a better day than Monday, but not by much.

From the vet’s office I returned home with Bruno’s pain medication in hand.  I located my big guy in my bedroom stretched out in one of his usual spots and in deep sleep.  He awoke and enthusiastically greeted me.  Bruno had a sparkle in his eye and his demeanor was light and playful.    It dawned on me that it had been awhile since I had seen the big guy so mischievous and carefree.  I attributed his sudden energy and sparkle to the mysterious effects of Young Living Oils and the Raindrop session from the previous day.

I suddenly became overwhelmed with emotion.  I made it to my bed and began to sob uncontrollably. Bruno, somehow under his own power, managed to get on the bed and snuggled up against me to comfort me.  We lay comfortably side by side with his back against my front, my left hand between his front legs stroking his chest and me sobbing into his neck.

Bruno patiently let me cry until I could cry no more.  He stood and gently sniffed my face before repositioning himself at the foot of the bed.  He kept looking at me as if expecting me to get up and assist him off of the bed.  When I made no movement he clumsily extracted himself from the bed.  He regained his composure, looked directly at me and belted out one loud, clear, crisp defiant bark with authority as if to say “enough!”

Bruno headed towards the bedroom door but stopped to check if I was following.  I got the message loud and clear.  I told the big guy to keep his fur on while I washed my face.  This was acceptable and he patiently waited for me to pull myself together.

We have a routine we follow and we were behind schedule.  Tonight’s routine would include the new addition of a pain pill inserted between dinner and cookie.

It should be illegal to love a pet this much!

Monday September 13, 2010 I called my western veterinarian as soon as they opened and requested pain medication for Bruno.

After evaluating everything that had transpired from the previous day, it was time for me to be realistic and start preparing to let Bruno go.  I made the decision to use up whatever supplements, herbs and medications we already had but refills were not going to be made.    Acupuncture would also be futile at this point so Dr. Yamate’s skills and services would no longer be needed.

I drove to my western veterinarian’s office after work.  Bruno’s pain medication was ready and waiting for me.  The directions on the medication instructed a half of pill twice daily or as needed.  I questioned the half pill dosage and was told to take it easy on the pain medication because liver damage can occur as a side effect.  A defeated giggle escaped from me as liver problems was the last thing I was concerned about.

With a heavy heart I told my vet the outlook for Bruno was bleak and my only concern was keeping him comfortable; Bruno’s next visit might very well be his last.

Little did I know how quickly this would hold true.